My fellow Americans,
I'm running for office
because I think the political process needs a little stiff competition.
It needs new bleedership.
It needs someone like me in the Fright House.
But, you may ask,
aren't there a few skeletons in your closet?
Sure there are.
And a vampire or two, and a werewolf.
What of it?
At least I'm not like the man in tonight's terror tale.
He's a fire inspector who's about to learn the difference between rot and wrong.
I call it "The Bribe."
Yo, buddy.
There's a $10 charge to play with the ladies,
and they're all beautiful.
Martin Zeller, fire marshal. Violations inspector. Excuse me.
Oh, that's good. That's cool. I know who you are.
Your daughter, Hiley, was a good friend of mine, you know?
She was too good for this place, you know, and I tell you something.
I tried to warn her about Puck, but sometimes girls just love bad boys.
Please.
Inspector Zeller. To what do we owe the pleasure?
It's your daughter
in her birthday suit.
Oh, yeah.
Been there, done that.
You think it's pretty cute sending me this trash, don't you?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, Puck.
Nick Ciola retired.
I'm the new fire marshal.
Well, you're pissing up the wrong tree, lnspector.
I didn't send you this.
This place is closed. History.
That's funny.
Nick Ciola, your predecessor, said the very same words.
But as it turns out, he had a thing for young girls.
Not to mention shitloads of cash.
Nick was a good fire marshal, but his flesh was weak.
He was easily tempted by the secular world.
That's true.
And I made those temptations available on a regular basis
in exchange for some personal freedoms of my own.
You have your reasons for not liking me. I understand that.
But there must be something, something you want.
Maybe we can work out a deal.
Inspector Nicky, he liked it from behind.
You people disgust me.
You think you can buy anything and anyone.
Well, understand this, Mr. Puck.
As of this moment, your club is mine to do with as I see fit.
And to that end, I want it emptied out, and I want it done now.
You're not gonna get away with this, Zeller.
You can't blame me. Your daughter was a willing participant.
You can't change her into something she's not.
Let him out. Let him out.
That's what I call an asshole. Can you believe that fucking guy?
I mean, I was ready to kick his ass.
Shit, everybody knows that Hiley was a...
- Shut up, shut up! - Okay.
- Somebody get me Nick Ciola now. - Calm down.
Calm down. Okay. Chill, chill.
- Go see Ciola. Go, go. - All right.
Ron, I said no.
One minute you say you love me,
the next minute, you don't want me to touch you.
I can't figure out if you're crazy or confused. What do you want?
- Ln a simple sentence, what do you want? - What do I want?
Yeah, just tell me. I can take it.
- I'm a big boy. - I want you to get out.
You know, you're full of problems.
- I'm full of problems? - Yeah, you are full of problems.
Just get out.
When you figure out exactly what it is that you want,
you get back to me, all right?
- Fine, Ron. - Fine!
What's going on?
Honey, was Ron...
He wasn't trying to force himself on you, was he?
Dad, that's not what we were fighting about.
He seems like such a nice kid.
I'm being kicked out of school.
What?
I'm being kicked out of school.
But you've got a scholarship.
Not anymore.
The university's cutting back on funding,
and charity cases like mine were the first to go.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
That's okay.
Stop crying. It's not your fault.
We'll figure something out.
How much is your tuition again?
Get real, Dad. It's more than you make in a year. You can't afford it.
Well, why were you and Ron fighting, anyway?
I mean, I had the feeling
that maybe the two of you were going to get married someday.
Maybe his parents could come up with the money.
Dad, we're not getting married, okay? We're not even going out anymore.
We broke up.
Why, honey? What happened?
He's being a bastard.
He's afraid his parents will freak out if I'm not in college.
He said they're already hinting that I'm not good enough for him.
I mean, his mother called me a slut and he didn't even defend me.
He's such a wuss.
He's so afraid they'll cut him off from his precious trust fund.
I hate him. He's a total fucking bastard.
Hey, hey, what have I told you about that kind of language?
Now, I'm sure Ron is doing everything he can.
Why are you always defending him?
- I'm not. It's just that... - Yes, you are.
You always do, Dad.
You hate Puck and his friends because you say they're dirtbags,
but you know what? They never treated me like this.
Dad, just go away. We both know there's nothing you can do.
Ciola?
Thanks for coming, Zel. Sorry I'm late.
I called your house. You had already gone.
Talked to Hiley.
Sounds like she's really shaping up.
Best thing you ever did, getting her into a college.
Changed her whole life around.
Even got herself a nice, rich, college-type boyfriend, from what I hear.
I talked to Puck.
I know all about you, Nick.
Yeah, I know you do. Puck called me.
Well, I'm not gonna try to kid you. It was never hard.
$2,500 a month is a lot of money
- for a guy earning a civil servant's wage. - Yeah, dirty money.
Sure it is, but you think about it. Think what you could do for Hiley.
- But it's not right, Nick. - Don't tell me about what's right.
I bust my balls for 20 years, and for what?
The Solomon Building, 1974. Collapsed stairway breaks both my arms.
Second-degree burns over 30% of my body.
Durk Chemical, the LA riots.
My lungs get permanently seared by the toxic fumes
because nobody warned us.
Nobody knew shit,
and for that, I end up wearing this thing for the rest of my life.
Now, you tell me what that's worth.
Tell me what I should have charged for the pain.
And you've paid your dues, too, so take the money.
Nick, you know what those bastards did to my little girl?
Yeah, I know what they did, and you gotta put that behind.
You gotta think about Hiley's future.
You don't owe anybody anything more than that.
That's $60,000.
Glad to have you onboard. I think you've made the right decision.
Oh, it's all there. You can count on it.
You know, when I look at you
and I think about what you did to my little girl,
it makes me sick to my stomach.
Well, I don't know.
Zeller, looking at those pictures again, man, it got me thinking.
And Hiley and I were good together.
You ever find out who sent you those pictures?
If I ever catch you near my daughter again, I'll kill you.
Ain't gonna be that easy, Zeller.
You just made a deal with the devil.
I'm looking forward to a long and painful relationship.
I still don't understand how you got it, Dad.
Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?
Just know that sooner or later in life, we all have to make sacrifices.
It's part of being a parent, sweetheart.
I worked too hard to turn your life around to see it all stop here.
So you go and see Ron, tell him you're not dropping out of school.
The two of you work out your problems.
He's the best thing that ever happened to you, Hiley. You belong with him.
Thanks, Daddy. I knew I could count on you.
One more thing.
I want to give you something.
I've been telling myself to hang onto this until I thought that
you were grown-up enough to be responsible for it.
I think I'm starting to see those qualities in you now.
It's beautiful.
It belonged to your mother,
and I gave it to her on our wedding day.
I can't wait to show it to Ron.
Well, you'd better get going, then. You'll be late.
Thanks, Daddy.
I can't wait to tell Ron. He's gonna be so happy.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Now you get going. Go on. Go on. Get out there.
And hey, don't you dare come back without an engagement ring, young lady.
- Dad! - You hear me?
- Who is it? - Inspector Zeller, Bic. Let me in.
Just a minute.
Just...
Just a minute.
Hello, Bic.
I smell smoke.
Nope.
- Yes, I do. I smell smoke. - No.
Bic, I smell smoke in here somewhere.
- Don't. That's mine. Give it back. - What is this?
My God, Bic, what the hell are you doing in here?
- Please! - They said they cured you, Bic.
Look at all this junk. I thought they cured you.
If I tell you a secret, will you give it back?
You can count on it.
I fooled them.
Yeah, you sure did.
There you go.
Bic, do you know a little place down in Hollywood,
a filthy little place called the Naked Experience?
Yeah.
I did something wrong there, Bic. I did something I'm not too proud of.
I saw something.
And if I don't take care of it,
if I don't absolve myself of it,
it's gonna eat at me forever.
I gotta wipe it out, Bic. I gotta wipe it out without a trace.
What did you do?
I saw bugs.
- I saw bugs and I didn't tell anybody. - No.
I hate bugs.
Burn down a house and bugs die, bugs scatter, bugs...
Yes, you can do that, Bic. You can do that. Sunday, the place is closed.
That would be the time to exterminate all those bugs, to kill them.
To wipe them out without a trace.
Could you do that?
Could you do that for me, Bic?
Good.
Someone take the hot spot in that back room.
- Hey. - Zel.
You know, Chief, I've been in this business for 20-some years,
but this looks like a total loss to me.
That's a damn shame. Couldn't happen to a nicer person.
Look, Zel, I need you to come over to the ambulance with me.
What, one of our guys get hurt?
No. No.
We got dozens here.
It was a private party, Zel.
It's bad out here, but it's even worse inside, and...
The owner got out alive.
God, Zel, nobody else made it out.
Puck, listen. Listen to me.
Inspector Zeller is here. You tell him what you told me.
Tell him who the party was for.
It's not...
Hello. Can't get to the phone right now, so please leave a message
and we'll return your call as soon as we can. Thanks.
Hi, Dad, it's Hiley. Are you there? Pick up, pick up, pick up.
I didn't want to ha ve to say this to a machine.
Dad, I eloped.
I know you're probably really angry with me right now.
You have every right to be.
But, Dad, I'm happy.
I'm in love, and we're not gonna have to worry about money anymore.
Oh, look, someday I will explain to you why we did this. Every detail, I promise.
But for now I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, Dad.
Okay. Well, I'll call again.
I just hope when I do, you'll want to talk to me.
I love you.
Don't move.
You think people are gonna be mad at us, we left the party early?
I don't know.
Stop it. Stop with the camera...
Ow!
Sorry, but I love taking pictures of you, baby.
Even with my clothes on?
Why, Mrs. Dankert, I thought you went for those college boys like...
Ron. Ron.
You must be confusing me with my daddy. Come here.
Why, Mr. Dankert, you really do love me.
Do I love you? I don't know.
Do I love you? Of course I do. Get in the car, legs.
Ow!
You did everything perfectly.
- Your dad never had a clue. - Yeah.
I just hope he can forgive me.
I don't want him to be mad at me for the rest of his life.
Look, your father wanted you to marry into some money.
Right?
That's exactly what happened. He should be happy.
Don't worry, he'll come around.
You mean that? You really think so?
Honey, I'd bet your old man's life on it anytime.
Okay.
I love you, lover.
- Billy, you seen my bracelet? - What bracelet?
Oh, never mind. It's not important.
Poor Zeller. Tries to give his kid a shot, and it winds up going to his head.
Which is better than if it went to his pocketbook!
Because government needs to do more and ghost less.
We have to make horrid choices and back them up with spending guts.
We should demand that...
Now, that's what I call a stump speech.